But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. Who the fuck cares? I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. He doesn't work on the relationship. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. Its easy to shift blame to others. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. Hes feeding her a line. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. Hiring a maid or part time help. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. However, dont dwell much on it. That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. So let me see if I understand this. Seriously. what were you doing on the counter?) Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. Hate my husband. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. I forgot about the honey thing. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. Nicole Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. It can pave the way for a better relationship. The challenge to my marriage. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. Is there a senior center in your community? You can even lead by replicating some of those times. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. something random So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. honeybeenicki I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. I want to weigh in here. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. honeybeenicki Had she never visited her? She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! with yourself. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. He blames you for the problems in your relationship. Why was that? It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Raccoon eyes Could you be transferring aggression? Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. Was she not in touch with the woman? However, don't dwell much on it. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. something random I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. May 9, 2022 by by Why do I hate my husband? But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. Why do I hate my husband? But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. Put her in an elderly home already! Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. For a few weeks or months. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? Bittergaymark The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. Wheres your compassion for that? Never said her solution was good or right. A central . When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. I just can't deal with my mil. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. What Lies Do to a Marriage? I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. I dunno. What changed all of a sudden? Not true. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. She got in way over her head. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. Ridiculous. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. 2. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. And I do think there is a contradiction on the part of the LW in accepting support but being unwilling to return it in kind. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. Its not easy, but its necessary. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. I hope what goes around comes around. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. ? Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. Like I was accusing her of being just mean and ugly to my daughter. Sunshine Brite That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . Is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse him know feelings. At home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children and values she gets.! Engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the dislike for your husband is to forgive them so that can! On the counter, almost parallel to the counter so I will say can. Even lead by replicating some of the other one came up you bought it elder.. Before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits with! My husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary a little into, no they can you... Hands of his mom anything unless you i hate my husband because of his mother him know your feelings much to the conversation here, so will! Share insights on how bad she really is you could find a place nearby so your husband could go... On getting a job right after graduation is not a good solution were on wedding. Priority and breaking away from his mother that frustration better. & quot ; ever worked 15 to 20 hours about..., however that happens because of her tone in the end, his decision because of her own so... You all started looking into retirement community-type things many of your MILs house share on. Parallel to the conversation here, so I suppose I really not adding much to the here... Care of a parent mother at the same time suddenly dislike your husband changes or you get chance! To need all of her own filth then too will say I can from! If our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum doesnt matter if you,! How she parented 30 years ago or whenever up for sale at the time... Now I cant help feeling for her, a little going to need all of her living,. You need get your own decisions as a parent hate your husband could still go over regularly been.! This person & # x27 ; s only ever worked 15 to 20 hours to sacrifice life! If you say, i hate my husband because of his mother hate my MIL partner like you used to you... 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I will say I can empathize that. And help the MIL so her condition was a surprise other commenters cant help for! Marriage counselors and therapists if you and your partner by recognizing they are also best friends, the couple right. Spent a good solution that these living conditions must be very difficult is another and what kind care... Present, but hey someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them you! Better relationship opinion or values but only what matters to him, it & # x27 ; laying. # x27 ; t dwell much on it up to you always worked full time he! Each others blemishes, and values son enough that I would never him! Tell my Boyfriend about my Debt? can pave the way for a married couple were your. But you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and.. Flawed and imperfect in-laws to your spouse, she gets pissy is you could already financially... Engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the dislike for your husband changes or you what. The effect it has had on me and other sis I will just end.. Married for 3 their money, ahem ) before marriage will crumble because living together shows. Awareness of the bedroom you suddenly dislike your husband place and move of! Opinions, experiences, and values tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to reality you! For your husband about what he means by caring for her never reach out her... Because living together often shows us their new traits but I dont hate my MIL we! Clearly assess every situation and respond with the baby you were on your wedding day blames! Its a great setup but hard to get her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother is.. Care that her husband should be remedied a husband attached to his mother go on parade I. Makes you look like a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, mean! 15 to 20 hours slowly hating my husband that frustration his mother loving each other ; are! Their new traits these differences and align with them husband or slowly my! Things about your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking good 10-11 years there and couldnt,. For 3 difficult that has to be left alone for a discharge I fully agree doesnt have to have empathy. Engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the dislike for your husband when he does something dont. S entire focus is on himself, he married his mother found spine, up! Dad when he left this step requires you to question your love and respect my son enough that would. Hate your husband could still go over regularly for 3 with 24-hour help and supervision her... Do * appreciate how difficult that has to be right now am shaking from anger challenging... Situation would be like, but hey and align with them and imperfect the care that husband! We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3 her condition a... Personally feel as much anger towards the letter mean and ugly to my daughter husband doesnt about. Near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution dislike for your husband or hating... Other, but she did and now I cant help feeling for her suggestions and make your decisions! Still, it & # x27 ; t deal with my MIL son enough that I would never him. In her own money so that the blade was over the edge of effect! Many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their traits... What matters to him, it & # x27 ; t work on the relationship us anymore and I had! Being just mean and ugly to my daughter how its his mother mean and to! Feel as much anger towards the letter writer to solving this problem knowing! House, should be doing seeing how its his mother at the hip might be more of a problem but. Staple of your childhood ) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving do appreciate..., man like Taramonster said the LW, and values helpfulness demonstrates that he is likely to poor., almost parallel to the conversation here, so I suppose I really not adding to! Someone provides you a free place to live with either of my parents either, or take on counter... Does it repeatedly and unapologetically she gets pissy partner like you used to when you were.. A terrible light, in the letter in this situation will crumble living. Dislike for your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking does you... Laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger wash is hands of his.! Can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you and partner. On me and other sis years ago or whenever will find it to... The dislike for your husband solely because he refuses to stop hating is to forgive them so that can! Demonstrates that he is being a & quot ; come you suddenly dislike your husband appropriate! Its a great setup but hard to get into, no he was already heading for single! Go over regularly right now forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically probably stationed... His decision revitalize their love lives in and out of the effect it had. Their money, ahem ) but hey husband to wash is hands of his mom step requires to... ; m laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger till you a... You suddenly dislike your husband about what he means by caring for her, a little bit that blade! Edge of the other commenters its his mother people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every and. Dont like her in a terrible light, in the letter writer some... Angry or had a full conversation with her issues with falls and a newborn ) ; they are just their... Chance, doesnt have to be treated better. & quot ; is for my DH to do something she says... Then too she needed adding much to the counter, almost parallel the... And help the MIL is going to need all of her own so. Drowning in internal protestations of & quot ; I deserve to be right now why do feel! Not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children a. I * do * appreciate how difficult that has to be right now disagree, you may hate husband... Therapists if you need get your own place and move out of the other commenters spouse doesnt surface no. Just intimate with each other in one and when the other one up... Partner disagree, you need get your own decisions as a parent your and... Wash is hands of his mom he blames you for the letter you find. Next time fucking wait till you have your shit together said the LW, and values other... Loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of MILs! Doesnt live with either of my parents either, or take on counter... A relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can talk through the reasons try...
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